The other day I heard some scripture that I’ve probably heard hundreds of times before, but now, in this season, it hit me a bit differently. 

”Now a man was sick, Lazarus, from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. Mary was the one who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, and it was her brother Lazarus who was sick. So the sisters sent a message to Him: “Lord, the one You love is sick.” When Jesus heard it, He said, “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha, her sister, and Lazarus.“

‭‭John‬ ‭11‬:‭1‬-‭5‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

”Having said this, she went back and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” As soon as she heard this, she got up quickly and went to Him. When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet and told Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died! ” When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, He was angry in His spirit and deeply moved.“

‭‭John‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬-‭29‬, ‭32‬-‭33‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

We know from previous scripture and what we read here in John 11, that Mary had an intimate relationship with Jesus. She had spent much of her time at the very feet of her Teacher…learning, resting, loving, serving, and weeping. So when she is confronted with the deepest sorrow, it’s no surprise that we find her falling at the feet of Jesus. We can’t know the tone or intent of Mary’s comment for sure, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” But, empathizing with the grief of loss, I imagine it going something like this, in a very raw and real way…”Where were you, Jesus? Why weren’t you here? Why didn’t you save him?”

You may be thinking, how dare she?! You can’t BLAME or question the Almighty God and still worship Him! I’ve certainly had those thoughts at some point in my walk with Christ. Why did Mary feel safe to question the Messiah? The answer is right there…she was in an intimate relationship with Him. She was seen, known, and loved at a time when it was taboo for women to be taught anything by a man. She was safe at the feet of Jesus to be her true self, if nowhere else, because He’d proven that fact time and time again. Also, she and her sister understood that ultimately, all power and authority belonged to Him as the Messiah. 

And how does Jesus receive Mary’s supposed insubordination? “He was angry in His spirit and deeply moved.” Mary’s pain moved the heart of her Creator to action. Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus and their cries did not go unnoticed by Him.

Thirteen years ago, to the month, my mother and I sat weeping over the body of my sister, who had passed away in bed from an apparent accidental overdose of prescription medication. It came as a complete shock to our family, as we’d never even been aware that my sister had a problem. Our world was completely and utterly turned upside down. One day, she was here and healthy, and the next day, she was gone. I wrestled for months and even years about what I could have and should have done differently. 

Most significantly, I wrestled with God. At my very lowest, crying from the depths of my soul, “Where were you, Jesus? Why weren’t you here? Why didn’t you save her?” I’d seen and heard stories of addicts have near death experiences and close calls. Why couldn’t we have had just one close call to alert us that she even had a problem?!

The same God that I’d spent my life, up until that point, learning about and singing to and serving…He heard my cries. When I was weeping at His feet…He was moved. I didn’t and still don’t fully understand the bigger picture of the need for my sister to be taken to heaven as a vivacious 34-year-old woman. But because my God has been faithful to me always, I can rest assured now that His purposes will prevail. “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” 

I know each of you has a story to tell. Some of you have experienced far more grief and sorrow than I could fathom. If you have yet to experience it, I pray that this sort of grief never finds you, but if it does…sister, stay at the feet of Jesus. Throw yourself before Him, ask Him all the questions, and trust that you are seen and loved.