Although I’m now closer to fifty than I am to fourty-five (that’s so weird), I’m still a kid at heart.  I love youth games at summer camp like capture the flag or a battle of tug-of-war during field day activities!  

I’m not as strong as I used to be, but I still relish the challenge that accompanies a healthy competion.  The problem?  I absolutely LOATHE failure. I mean, I’m undone if I can’t “beat” the estimated Google Maps arrival time I’m given for a journey from point A to point B. It’s unbearable every time I lose a “Game Pigeon” contest on my phone.  

Yes, I have issues. Clearly, I should seek help.

My real issue, however, is that I DO seek help from the Lord regarding all major issues in my life–marriage, children, extended family, friendships, career–you name it, I pray about it.  I seek God’s guidance for everything in my life, fully admitting to Him that He is in control of my life, and that I want His will to be done above my own in every aspect of my life.  And then…I start pulling on the rope.

I play tug-of-war over control of the details of my life with the God of the entire universe.  As I’m sure you can imagine, this does not go well for me. I pray on Sunday evening that God be in control of my life, and by Monday morning, I’m in full-control mode over all the challenges ahead, plowing through my day in my own strength (which is never enough), tyring to be victorious in my own right over all that I face. I want to be the best devoted wife who cares for my husband’s every need.  I want to be the best mom who shows patience and provides attentive nurturing.  I want to be the best teacher and coach who always shows compassion and emparts wisdom.  I want to be the best friend who is thoughtful and actively supports those who lift me up.  And how is that going? 

The reality is that I fail to be the best at anything, and I beat myself up for failing.  So, is it just not God’s will for my life to be the best wife?  Does God not want me to be best mom, or teacher, or friend?  I mean, I pray about it.  I tell God that He’s in control.  But with every detail of my day, guilt and fear overwhelm my heart and I pull on that rope that I metaphorically tossed up to the Lord in prayer and try to take control of my life…again!  I neglect work to try and be a better wife and mother, or become a work-a-holic and forsake my husband and kids.  My friends don’t remember what I look like anymore, and I’m exhausted and just want to go to bed.

But God.  

He is so full of mercy and grace.  He loves me just where I am, just for who I am.  He meets me where I am and knows my troubled, control-freak heart. When I spend time with Him and open His Word, He says to me in Hebrews 4:16, “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  For every tug I take on that rope of control, He returns it by drawing me nearer to Him through His Word.  He pulls me closer to Him when He says, “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established” (Proverbs 16:3), and even closer when He tells me, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). And, finally, Galatians 5:1 states, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

These verses reminds us that Christ’s sacrifice grants us true freedom—a freedom from the burdens of self-reliance and the constant need to control every detail of our lives. When we release our tight grip on control and trust in God’s plan, we embrace the freedom He offers. The truth is, I will never be the best at everything—or anything, for that matter—because that was never my purpose. My purpose is not to win at life, to prove my worth, or to strive for a perfection I was never designed to achieve. My purpose is to glorify God in all that I do, whether in success or failure, in strength or weakness.

Every time I spend time in His Word, I loosen my grip on the rope. And, when I loosen my grip on the rope and surrender my need to control, I find peace. Not because I’ve mastered balance or figured out all the answers, but because I am held by the One who already has. He doesn’t demand my perfection—only my trust. And the beautiful irony? When I stop striving to be “the best,” I become the person He created me to be: a wife who loves, a mother who nurtures, a teacher who inspires, a friend who cares. Not because I’m winning, but because I’m resting in the One who already has.

So, I let go. And in letting go, I find freedom.

My husband and I have had some of the best moments of our lives the past 7 years serving in ministry together. Hanging out with a bunch of teenagers isn’t what a lot of people jump at the first chance of doing, but we do. We’ve been digging into 1 John for several weeks with our “big kids”. God works in great, gracious, mysterious ways. While teaching, we are learning. 

If I had to leave you with just a few tips from this book, here is what I would leave you with: 

1. God is light. There is absolutely no darkness in Him. ~ 1 John 1:5

Darkness looks different for everyone. Darkness is anything that would lead you away from the path of righteousness. Addiction or temptation. Or perhaps the long list you know the enemy is trying his very hardest to steal, kill, and destroy your life with. With Christ, you are in light. The enemy has no power. God is light! 

2. “If we say, “We don’t have any sin,” we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. ~ 1 John 1:10 

My favorite places within scripture are the places that remind me I don’t have to have it all together. The places that remind me it’s actually boldness and reveals faithfulness to state that perfection is not within us. Be the one to know that you sin. Be the one to know that you need Jesus. 

3. “…I am writing to you, young men, because you have had victory over the evil one.” ~ 1 John 2:13 

VICTORY VICTORY VICTORY

He is speaking to those that have accepted Jesus. He is speaking to disciples. With Christ, WE HAVE VICTORY. 

—————

I can go deeper. But for today, maybe you just need the simple reminder that Jesus Christ is the path of righteousness. He gives us hope. He allows us to experience perseverance. 1 John is the great reminder that the evil one is on the path. The evil one would love to throw the darkness in. As a parent, after a long day in the office, or on the most random “good” day. He’s on the path and goodness does he want so badly to make himself known. But he is not the light. He is a lair. 

With Jesus we overcome the darkness. With Jesus we know He is the ultimate light. With Jesus we know WE HAVE VICTORY.

In this fast paced world we live in, we are truly governed by time. Everything we do depends on time. We build schedules to try to fit all we have to do into our day and still have enough time for rest at night. Our time is precious, but we are in such a hurry we may not always take the time to make every minute count. Count for what? What does it mean to make our time on earth count?  As Christians our time and how we spend our days should be devoted to Christ. This includes our jobs, our home life, our free time, etc. Everything we do here on earth echoes into eternity.

If you were to stand before God today and He asked what you’ve done with your time on earth for His kingdom or even just how many people have you shared the gospel with in the last year, would you have a good answer? This is not to say that good works or anything other than God’s mercy in sending His Son saves us, but we are created for good works.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

We exist because of God. He designed each of us uniquely and with different skills and abilities to carry out His purpose. We are to use our talents and abilities in our everyday lives. God places opportunities in our lives to carry out the good works He has planned for us. That is why every moment counts. Whether you are a stay at home mom or you have a specific career, or you are going to school working towards a career,etc., God has you there for a reason. You may not understand why you are where you are at this time, but you can rest assured that God has you there and has equipped you to carry out His purpose right where you are. 

Don’t be discouraged if you feel like you’re not where you should be. God knows what you are capable of, He knows exactly where He wants you. The best thing to do is let everything you do and say be done in love and with carrying out good works for God. This is what pleases our Father!!!!

“Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24

Set backs!! 

We have all experienced them. 

Often times when we experience a set back (something that slows you down, makes you take a step back, or makes you go back to the basics) we get upset or annoyed. That’s valid. But, I recently was given some great advice on this topic. Sometimes a set back isn’t the worst thing in the world, even though it may feel like it. Sometimes it can save you from moving too fast, rushing through things, or even save you from something God isn’t calling you to do. 

Sometimes we need something to slow us down to take us back to our why. 

I often times find myself in the middle of feeling set back whenever I have lost my why. It’s funny how God works. 

Next time something slows you down, or sets you back, remember your why. And pray about it. 

Everything the Lord does is intentional. Even sometimes slowing us down. 

Romans 12:12, “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” 

“When Solomon had finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the Lord filled the temple. And the priests could not enter the house of the Lord, because the glory of the Lord had filled the Lord’s house.”

II Chronicles 7:1-2 

A few weeks ago a word was given in pre-service prayer about being sensitive to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit. It has consumed my thoughts and ties directly into some things the Holy Spirit is working out in me.

As the Lord filled the stone and wood temple in 2 Chronicles He filled the Church to be the new temple of living stones in Acts 2. 

What does that mean for me? 

God put the Holy Spirit in me.  He is a light for my personal path, but also a light that I am supposed to be actively shining for others. This light in me is supposed to lift up the name of Jesus and glorify Him through acts and deeds. This light in me should point others to Jesus. 

To quote a pastor I listen to….”In ways that I could understand” I heard the Lord say “I have set a fire within you what is quenching it?”

That question sent me digging through notes on a study I did of the lampstand in the tabernacle. The lamps were filled with oil (which is a symbol of the Holy Spirit) and were  positioned on the lampstand (which represents the Church) to shine its light forward onto the showbread (which for us represents Jesus), every part fulfilling a specific duty. 

The lampstand was the only light for the tabernacle. A bright light in dark surroundings. Today Jesus is the light of the world and He uses His church  to shine that light into our dark surroundings. We are to burn bright with the oil of the Holy Spirit and do just that. 

Back to the original thought what’s quenching my fire? Am I listening to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit so I can reach those around me? Are there things that need to go? Things I need to add?  How can I be a brighter light? I need to put these questions before the Lord  and listen for answers. 

So thankful He never gives up on me, wants to use me and continues to lead me into the good works He has prepared.

As of lately, the shift that’s happening in my life is becoming more and more evident to me. And honestly, I’m loving it.

Now let me be real, and let me be raw – I was scared, y’all. My husband and the sisters know the many tears that have been shed during this shift.

Just last week I was sitting in a waiting room listening to the chatter of much younger women while mindlessly scrolling on my phone. They talked of their kids who are still in single digits and of all the things that particular stage entails. I smiled and I scrolled.

I scrolled and I smiled.

I smiled at the fond memories of my kiddos at that age.
⁃ Little Dribblers
⁃ Riding their bikes
⁃ Losing teeth
⁃ Batman figurines
⁃ Daddy Daughter Dances
⁃ Maggie and those darn elves

And then I smiled at the thought of where my kids are now. It’s fun you know –
watching them transform into who they are as grown-ish humans.
⁃ Getting their first car
⁃ Getting married
⁃ Choosing a college
⁃ Graduating from college
⁃ Growing in their faith
⁃ Getting their first job
⁃ Forming deep friendships

All the stages are good, momma. Don’t you worry. Don’t worry when you see the posts about “only 18 summers” and “Christmas magic ending”.

It doesn’t end. It keeps going. It is what you make it. It is what you embrace. Because after all – you’re the momma. You are the magic maker.

And may I urge you as a momma in the midst of a shift – embrace it all. Enjoy it all. When your kids are 5, 25, 35, or 55, you keep bringing the magic.

Young mommas – enjoy this stage. But just know, it’s ok to enjoy the next stage, too.

All the stages are good because God is good.

All the time.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1.

I’ve come to realize there’s never going to be a “good” time to talk about grief.

This past year marked a shift for me—for the first time in six years, I attended more weddings than funerals.

I’ve encountered death in ways that leave an indelible mark. I’ve heard the five stages of grief recited more times than I can count. I’ve hugged grieving parents burying a child, nodded in solemn agreement with siblings, woken up to dreaded text messages and missed calls, and shared moments with old friends while mending broken relationships over the death of classmates. For a while, I thought I had grief figured out: you sit, listen, observe, cry, get angry, laugh, and eventually accept. But the process repeats—over and over again.

Somehow, grief has been more prevalent in my life over the last six months than in the previous six years. And I haven’t quite figured it out. (To spare you an hour-long explanation, here’s the short version: I was in a tubing accident seven months ago and now carry the weight of a traumatic brain injury.)

I’m still learning how to grieve who I was and who I might never be again. How to grieve the physical freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. How to grieve the act of reading without needing to trace each word with my finger. How to grieve not playing the guitar like I used to, or always speaking efficiently. How to grieve the memories I’ve lost from the last three years.

Recently, I wrote in my journal—like a child trying to make sense of it all: “It’s been the worst and best year all at the same time.” And it’s true. Deeper sorrow has brought a deeper dependence on the Lord, which has birthed a deeper joy.

Here’s to a year of joy: a year of learning new things and relearning old ones. A year of speech therapy and neurology appointments. A year of reading with my finger on the page. A year of learning to suffer well. And a year of finding joy in the smallest of things.

My greatest hope is that if you’re experiencing grief—whether for yourself or someone you love—these reflections help you love the person grieving, even if that person is you. 

1. Recognize that grief can be experienced by death, relationships, divorce, health, infertility, guilt, miscarriage, unemployment, deployment, etcetera and I think the list really could go on and on and on. 

2. The five stages of grief are absolutely ridiculous. Especially if you think you will walk through them linear and only once. 

3. Show up and be intentional. Listen – it will be awkward, it will be sad, it will be emotional, it will be heavy, you will say the wrong thing, you will make them cry, you will hurt their feelings, you will share some laughs, you will share in their joy, you will hear stories that they haven’t thought about in years, you will hear stories that, truthfully, you didn’t want to hear, but you showing up in these moments will be cherished and remembered for the rest of their life. 

4. Be a servant. Bring food to their house, wash the dishes in their sink, check the washer and dryer, sweep the floor, take out the trash, take the dogs on a walk, take the kids. The most important thing here is this – do not offer to do any of these things, just do it. 

5. Have grace and forgiveness for the person experiencing grief, especially if that person is you. 

In January, we are more mindful of our time as we come off a season of busyness.  It seems the chaos starts earlier each year.  The holiday season begins in October and lasts until the New Year.  As Mamas we want to make each and every moment magical for our children.  We want our homes to look perfect, we want our meals to be delicious and perfectly presented.  And all that leads to stress and worry.  It reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10.

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

It is very easy for us to be like Martha.  If the Lord was coming in the flesh to my house, you better believe I would be cleaning like a crazy woman.  I would want Him to feel welcome and comfortable in my home.  It would be very easy to be distracted with the chores and preparation, like Martha.  

It’s hard to be like Mary.  Do I take the time to sit at His feet?  Do I make time in my day for Him?  In the busyness of the holiday season?  Or do I say, “After the New Year, I will get back on track with my Bible reading, with my prayer life, etc”.  Sadly I think that we all probably fall into this category.  I know I struggle BIG TIME!

So, how can we be more like Mary?

• Prayer

• Bible Study

• Reading

• Worship

• Music

• Podcasts

• Like minded friends

• Mindful scheduling

• Stop overcommitting

• Etc Etc Etc

I hope that I can be like Mary all year.  Not just as a resolution, but as lifelong surrender to Jesus!  

Words, How do we use them?  

I know for me this is an ongoing issue. More times than I can count my words flew out of my mouth and couldn’t take them back in. Or I used words to join a conversation that was tearing down someone, Or I tore down someone in secret. But the worst of it is using words to tear down myself. 

One of the hardest things  to control is what we say. And we all know that thinking those words is not any better. In James 3:10a it says: Blessings and Cursings should not come out of the same mouth… Did you see that? How many times have WE given our praises on Sunday and our cursings on Monday. 

What do we do? How do we fix the problem? 

Psalm 141:3 says, LORD, set up a guard for my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips.

And Psalm 39:1 says ….Guard your mouth with a muzzle..

The word guard reminds me of a police officer who is standing at the prison gate being watchful and  paying attention to who comes in and who goes out. They are always looking and observing their surroundings. I must be on guard and pray for Christ to be on guard over my mouth as well. To keep watch over what words come out of my mouth and words that are inside as well.

For me the hardest thing is to speak words of edification upon myself.There is  a running dialogue in my mind of words that do not build myself up. Words that tear myself down. Words that I would never speak over someone else. The verse in Colossians really spoke to me about gracious words.  

Colossians 4:6: Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person. 

Let MY speech be gracious: ALWAYS Not sometimes: Gracious words, words of edification, words that speak favor on someone/ on myself. How easy sometimes it is to build others up and speak gracious words to them but to speak gracious words upon yourself… so hard.

I must Guard my mouth in speaking to others and in speaking to myself.  May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing to Christ. Psalm 19:14

We need to talk less/ BLESS more.

“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Currently, I’m in the process of becoming a missionary and part of that process requires “class work” and quite a bit of reading. Life is busy so I’ve found myself more apt to audiobooks. This month, the required reading, as part of spiritual formation, is a book called “invitation to a journey” by M Robert Mulholland Jr. and in this book he talks about the Myer-Briggs personality types based on Carl Jung’s theory. 

This has been something that’s always interested me but this opened up understanding on a whole other level for me when explaining the types as preferences. The author also explains that where our preferences lie, there’s a shadow side (the opposite of our preferences) that we must learn to accept and work with in order to experience wholeness. You can’t have one and not the other. For instance, I’m an INFJ, so I am introverted and prefer (key word there) solitude but yet in order to experience the wholeness God intends for me, I need socializing. 

It even goes on to explain that there may be preferences in corporate worship or how our preferences should be included in arranging our devotional time. While I was listening and taking in all of this information, “fearfully and wonderfully made” rolled around in my head and I was in such awe at how God forms us! We are wonderfully complex and He is the master craftsman. He not only forms our bodies but also our minds and shapes our personalities – preferences included – and therefore, our lives are mapped out in such a way to bring about wholeness. Our trials and experiences are working together to mold us, and God is using each thing: every mundane moment, every mountaintop experience, every hardship, every ease, every grief, every joy, every battle, every victory to make us more into the image of Christ, to bring us wholeness. 

As Christians, we know His sovereignty but life can start to seem like there is no rhyme or reason to any of it yet when we remember that it all becomes a part of His plan to bring about a desired end, there is hope. He’s orchestrating a song your soul will sing! And maybe you’re in a season that lacks harmony, your preferences are not being met, you have to do things or deal with things that are not ideal – you’re an extrovert who is at home all day in this season of life, or an introvert who has to make phone calls you’d rather not have to make, perhaps you are struggling in your devotional time because the rhythm of the season has changed and you can’t talk a walk in nature but have to sit inside and reflect, a feeler who needs to be more of a thinker right now, or one who has a more carefree look at life but has deadline after deadline you have to meet. 

Whatever it may be, be encouraged friends that God is using this, even an inconvenience of an unmet preference, to craft you into the image of His Son. If only our preferences were ever experienced, we’d never mature and would not be wholly sound. Imagine just having one arm buff and strong from working out and the other limp and weak because it’s never exercised – that’s what’s it like if we aren’t met with a challenge in our preferences. Our preferences serve us and bring glory to God, but the opposite of our preferences is beneficial to growth and wholeness. We are fearfully and wonderfully made in every way and every day of our life was recorded in His book…and the end of the story is “presented faultless” before Christ with great joy!